Things That Make Me Go UGH!

Confession: I have been one grumpy asshole lately. Little things have been setting me off and making me want to drop kick everything and everyone around me. I'm sure this has nothing to do with the week of the month that is upon me or my Holy-Shit-Have-I-Even-Taken-A-Break-To-Pee-Today Schedule, but I am--as of this moment--officially on vacation for the next 6 days. (Not 7, because I'm dumb and booked a 12 hour day next Friday--YAY!) So it's time to buck the hell up. But first, here is a list of five things that always--not just this week--piss me off. (More than five things routinely piss me off, but, hell, there are only 24 hours in a day. I can't be sitting here typing for all of them.) ENJOY!

--Mispronouncing the H in words. It makes me cringe. When people say Herb instead of --erb. And then when the same people say --uman instead of Human. (Mom, I'm only slightly talking about you. Other people do it too.) I think it should be labeled as some sort of disorder. In fact, mispronouncing things in general pisses me off. We have a county in Kentucky called McCREARY. People around me say McQUERY. I silently scream in my head every time.

--Poor grammar. This is a biggie for me. I will correct your ass in a second. Even if I barely know you. Subject/verb agreement is a basic concept, and I firmly believe if you haven't grasped it, you should be pushed back to kindergarten and forced to repeat every grade Billy Madison-style. I also will cringe when people misuse -ly. If you don't know if you are misusing it, look it up! I once purchased $80 worth of Grammar Girl's books to prove I know everything about grammar just to learn more. And if you wonder if you're getting your grammar right, you should too. It honestly is one of my biggest pet peeves.

--Inappropriate responses to email or text. I don't mean like you say:
"Hey can I visit Thursday?"
And they say "F*** you, Mother F***er!" or "Only if you're naked."
I mean like you say, "I can visit either Thursday or Friday. Which is better?"
And they say, "Sounds great!"
Ummm, no. Answer the damn question.
I always want to reply "Read that one more time and try again."  
It also drives me crazy when you send an email with more than one question, and someone responds with an answer to only the first or last question.
Like "Hey, I am coming Thursday. Do you want me to bring that cardigan for? Also, I'm getting McDonald's, what would you like me to get you? And would you like fries with that?" 
And they reply "Fries sound great! See you soon!" 
So, just as punishment, I am going to get McDonald's for me and eat my damn fries in front of you until you learn how to read an entire email or text.
I'm busy too. We all are. But you can take half a second and read an email, so that your response is appropriate.

--Inappropriate usage of quotes. Dear God, this makes me want to unfriend people on facebook daily. You only put quotes around actual quotes and when you're being ironic. Like if I said for the next week I'm going to "work hard." Because I'm on vacation, the work I'm referring to is putting the wine glass to my mouth. But when people post on facebook and say last night's concert was really "great" and you're an "amazing" singer, it makes me wonder if the concert was shit and the singer sounded like a dead moose. Because if it actually was great, don't use those f*cking quotes.

--Adding an s to words that don't need it. If you know me, you've probably heard me rant about this before. And I have often wondered if this is exclusively an Owensboro thing or if it is found 'round the world. But for a fact, people around here put an s on almost everything. Stores, restaurant names, bands, you name it, they're adding an s. We have a band in town called The Usual. (Like 'what will you have?' 'I'll have The Usual.') The people of Owensboro call them: The Usuals. They aren't the Wiggles, people! We have a restaurant called Shogun. No s. People say Shoguns. And then they'll say "Oh, it shows ownership." Bullshit!! Shogun is not a person!! And Kentucky has a basketball team called...THE KENTUCKY BISONS. C'mon, people, bison is plural!! That's like saying ChineseS. And my all-time, biggest ugh-inducer is when people say Krogers. When they tell me they went to Krogers to get it, I like to say "how many?" and when they look at me dumbfounded, I say "How many Krogers did you have to go to?"

There ya go, friends. Five of the biggest things that piss me off. So watch your words, or you might just get drop-kicked!