Friday, August 3, 2012

Mixed Up Momma

So for today's flashback, I'm not going to tell you one specific story about Mom--oh, I have some pretty effing hilarious ones, but she would, without a doubt, sneak into my house and murder me in my sleep if I put them on here--but yet, I'll tell you about what I like to call Momisms.

I know she looks pretty hip...
Our mom likes to stay hip to what's cool and trendy. (See how ironic it is that I use the word hip??) She is always trying to keep her finger on the pulse of what's going on in our lives, especially the funny stuff. She isn't always completely successful.

So, many years ago, we took a family vacation--the whole fam,--Chris included--and it was the '90's, so "deez nuts" had become a common joke. In true, inappropriate Kevin and Chris style, they were whipping out deez nuts jokes around my family constantly. No one was immune to getting sucked into the deez nuts trap (oh, maybe bad choice of words there), and then the family would crumble into piles of laughter after Chris and Kevin had duped one of us again.  So we get home from vacation, Mom is slaving away at the laundry, while the rest of us catch up on recorded--with a VCR!!--television programs. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Mom comes running into the living room and says, in a frenzy, "Guys! Guess what I left in the hotel room????" We all look at her inquiringly. "THOOOOOOSE BALLLLLS!!!"

Strike one.

Gah. Twins.
**Disclaimer: This next snippet is completely and totally politically incorrect. But, I assure you, my family is very open and accepting of all lifestyles and choices. And we love Jesus. So feel free to come to our house for chicken anytime.**

For many years, I was a super, super single girl. I was completely uninterested in dating any straight men, but my favorite past-time was hitting up the gay bar with who I liked to call my Gay Husband. He was my absolute favorite person to hang out with, and I always got a big kick out of the people who'd see us out and assume he was my straight boyfriend and ask me when I thought we'd get engaged. Awesome. So, I ended up, one New Year's Eve, at a party where I knew almost no one, but I quickly became a hit at the party, because there was no shortage of gay men, and I am like Owensboro's version of Kathy Griffin. Later, I was recounting the story to my mother, who commented that it was my lot in life to be surrounded by amazingly attractive and charismatic men who had no interest in me whatsoever. "That's just fine," she noted. "You'll just be a gay nag." That's right, gay nag. I know exactly the label she was trying to put on me--but won't say it here--but I'm fairly sure she had no idea that she was completely mistaken.

Strike two.

On her wedding day. In the can.
A couple of Christmas's ago, Jaxon was starting to get older, so Kevin took it upon himself to begin teaching him adult sayings. I mean, he was the ripe old age of 5, so it was definitely time for him to start saying things like, "That's what she said." Kevin spent the bigger part of one day trying to demonstrate to him funny times to slip the phrase in. Because he knows there's a rule in our family that you "don't repeat what Uncle Bo says," he never really used this new tip, BUT Mom apparently had been listening to this lesson and thought she might need to exercise her newly learned phrase. While decorating the Christmas tree, Kevin said something--I'm fairly sure it didn't warrant a "that's what she said," but suddenly, my mom perked up and said loudly and proudly, "I think I heard her mention something about that!"
Jack says, "I don't want to hear it, Nana."

Strike three. She's out.

I think, at that point, we put her on talking restriction, which happens often in our family, but doesn't necessarily stop her from trying. She may not be the hippest, coolest, most crass Mom on the planet, but she's mine. And I love her and love the hilarious stories she provides. So, keep keeping on, Mom, and maybe one day you'll get it right. But I doubt it.

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