|This is how I feel all the time, Earth.|
My salon expert and very good friend, Leslie, has offered up the best solution I've heard for all of us feeling a bit like we're losing it: The Ozone.
Warning: what you are about to read is
So here is what I have determined to be the side effects of said ozone deterioration:
--Jumbling and mumbling of words. Over the past few months, I have tried to eek out very intelligent phrases that have ended up sounding like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. Today, I tried to say contribution four times without success.
--General clumsiness. I have always had a bit of clumsiness, but lately I'm noticing it in everyone around me. My very pulled together friend, Jo, almost bumped into a huge rack of clothes today for no good reason. Wednesday, I dropped the bat phone no less than three times, and the last time, dropped everything else in my hands trying to pick it up.
--Impaired motor skills. Not only has it been taking me far too long to type texts because I simply can't make my fingers work properly, but I also fight--on a daily basis--with getting the pictures I attach to my blog to go where I want them to. (Hear that, Blogger? It's too hard to move those bastards around!)
--Lack of focus. Lately, I've watched my beautifully planned out, productive days crumble into impromptu shopping sprees (which may or may not have happened again today).
--Fatigue. Despite how much I've been sleeping lately, I still refuse to get out of bed in the morning, stay up past 9:30, and wake in the night to pee. I am groggy and grumpy, and have bags under my eyes that like look like I'm packing for a month-long European vacation.
|Yup, that's about how my texts look.|
--Forgetfulness. I have also become really good at showing up to present to 60 students with not a single publication in my hand, or my car, or anywhere to be found. I have to look at my calendar five or six times to remember what I'm doing tomorrow. And despite the fact that Joel reminded me about 100 times, I STILL forgot to get the tire in the Camry patched. (Luckily, he took it to get fixed bright and early this morning.)
--Disappearances. A few weeks ago, I washed a swim suit at Kevin's house. I left it there and picked it up later. I know--for a fact--I put it into my purse that day. It is now nowhere to be found. I had $80 of Express cash recently that I purposefully ripped of the receipt and stuffed into my purse for a later shopping trip. When I attempted to retrieve it, it had vanished into thin air.
--Strange stuff. Although the swim suit in my purse is no where to be found, there is--and has been for about four weeks--a pair of underwear randomly in there. Don't worry, they're clean.
|There they are. Undies, in my purse.|
Clearly, this ozone thing is nothing to laugh about. Freaky sh*t's happening, and the only thing that can explain it is the melting of the ozone. The only good thing is that when I mumble, stumble, slip and fall, get distracted, fall asleep, forget things, lose things, and/or find myself writing a blog while eating quinoa with not one but two forks in it, I can say with certainty, "It's not me, it's the ozone."